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Info-tastic!
Infomercials. Oh my god. I could watch them forever. I'm not even kidding. Last night I couldn't sleep, I've been plauged with insomnia my whole life, and my late-nite routine lately tends to be, hang out with my brother in the garage listening to classic rock, pace a bit, play with the snakes, grab a smoke, watch the stars, and then... 3:00 am hits, and I. am. STOKED. Paid Programming on every channel. Oh my god, it's heavenly.
It's the best ever, I don't know if you, dear readers, have ever sat up at 3:00, transfixed on some crazy product or another, absolutely mesmerized by the people who are yelling enthusiatically at you... but I have. Every night. And it's the greatest thing in the world.
The half-hour ones are okay, but my absolute favourite? The full-hour infomercials. They are so over-the-top hilarious. I'm going to walk you through the full-hour infomercials, every single one, it's pretty generic, let's go on a journey together... c'mon!
- There is a task to be done.
- This task is too difficult for the announcer/host/actor.
- The announcer/host/actor throws his/her hands to the heavens and cries out for mercy.
- Miraculously, there is a better way!
- The overdub.
- The pitch
- The free shit!
This task can be anything from sweeping the floor, to opening a carton of milk, to inexplicably screwing a 2x4 to the kitchen table. But it's a generic household chore. Let's go ahead with the milk carton one for the time being.
No matter what the task is, the announcer can. not. do. it. Opening a carton of milk? Too hard, the announcer rips open the carton with all the force and rage of Bobby Flay when he loses Iron Chef America (oh yeah, baby... Infomercials and The Food Network all in one go, we're turning up the heat now!) and oh shit, the milk is EVERYWHERE!
This is the phrase, guys... it's a classic one, say it with me now, ball up your fists, raise them to the heavens, shake 'em a bit for drama and let forth the infomercial battlecry: "THERE HAS TO BE A BETTER WAY!"
By the grace of god there is a better way! In flies the "specialist" who has the solution of all of lifes problems, and what does he have for us today? The MILK SPOUT 2000!
While the actor continues to struggle with his mundane task of opening a carton of milk, the overdubbed announcer voice takes control of the situation: "Are you sick and tired of fighting with the milk carton? On your hands and knees mopping up spilled milk? Well NO MORE!! The MILK SPOUT 2000 WILL SOLVE ALL OF YOUR PROBLEMS!
As lame and amusing as the first five minutes of the thing is the pitch. When they try to justify selling a Milk Spout 2000 for not 40, not 30, but 20 DOLLARS! Think of ALL the money you'll save from not spilling it all over the place!
No infomercial would be complete without giving you a rediculous amount of free crap. Not only do you get the MILK SPOUT 2000, but they'll double your order absolutly free! And if you call NOW, they'll also include: A plastic apron, a little tiny milkmaid stool, the metal bucket, rubber gloves and a free cow so you can milk your own cow, put it in cartons, struggle with the damn thing before you realize that YOU bought the Milk Spout 2000, and no longer have to deal with such frusterating matters!
You know what, people? There is a better way. And I'm not going to sell it to you for $19.99, nor double your order, nor am I going to pile on a bunch of worthless crap as well. This is for you, for free, from me, cuz I like ya'll.
Stop being frickin inept.
