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25 Things I Wish I Didn't Know About My Friends
You've seen it, been tagged by it, done it, were annoyed by it. "25 Things About Me" notes on Facebook, the new viral meme that has swept through the social network and left you dumbfounded as you found out twenty-five inconsequential facts about the people you went to High School with, work with, had an awkward blind date with, or once said "hi" to on the elevator. Sure, memes can be fun, a good waste of ten minutes, something to amuse yourself between classes, et cetera... but there comes a point when it becomes its own entity, clawing its way out of funny inside jokes, and amusing anecdotes and starts to breed into a Pauly Shore film; uninteresting, cheap and leaves the viewer slightly scarred.
In the past few days, I have been tagged in no less than 30 notes from friends, colleagues and the girl that I sat next to in Art History II who smelled like bologna and tacos. Some have been funny and worth the read. I found out that my sister-in-law has to unload an entire can of Raid on a spider before she's satisfied with its toxic death. I learned that Manda, if faced with the option, will always pick a Rogue Night Elf.
But it hasn't all been jokes and laughter. So here it is, 25 things I wish I didn't know about my friends (and was content because of it). Names withheld.
25: "I haven't brushed my teeth or washed my hair in a week."
24: I masturbate to Vogue."
23: "When my roommate isn't home, I sometimes put on her heels and use the remote as a microphone while I sing Tina Turner songs."
22: "The 2-for-1 sale on Goldbond at Walgreens was the best day of my week."
21: "The carpet, in fact, does not match the drapes."
20: "I forgot to pay my taxes last year."
19: "I have a tattoo of a leprechaun on my ass."
18: "I get nervous around ethnics."
17: "I kissed a girl and I liked it so much that I dumped my fiance."
16: "Trojan [condom] commercials turn me on."
15: "Band-aids make my skin break out in a puss-filled rash."
24: I masturbate to Vogue."
23: "When my roommate isn't home, I sometimes put on her heels and use the remote as a microphone while I sing Tina Turner songs."
22: "The 2-for-1 sale on Goldbond at Walgreens was the best day of my week."
21: "The carpet, in fact, does not match the drapes."
20: "I forgot to pay my taxes last year."
19: "I have a tattoo of a leprechaun on my ass."
18: "I get nervous around ethnics."
17: "I kissed a girl and I liked it so much that I dumped my fiance."
16: "Trojan [condom] commercials turn me on."
15: "Band-aids make my skin break out in a puss-filled rash."
...Shall I continue? Have you had enough? Feel like you've been watching "In The Army Now" yet? No? I'll go on...
14: "I wish my girlfriend had legs like my mom."
13: "I had to google who won the Presidency."
12: "I burnt my [censored (male genitalia)] with a flat-iron."
11: "Kids #1 and #2 were accidents. 3-5 were planned."
10: "There is such a dark soap scum ring around the bathtub that I told my mom that I painted on a stripe."
13: "I had to google who won the Presidency."
12: "I burnt my [censored (male genitalia)] with a flat-iron."
11: "Kids #1 and #2 were accidents. 3-5 were planned."
10: "There is such a dark soap scum ring around the bathtub that I told my mom that I painted on a stripe."
...I'll spare you. Because they only get nastier from there. So, dear Facebook friends, I implore you... no more. I can't take the knowledge. For anyone who tags me in their 25 Things note from here on out... I will simply reply with a youtube video of Pauly Shore in "Bio-Dome".
